This post is not for you. It’s for me.

My social media probably makes my kink life look a lot more active than it actually is.

The truth is that actual play this year can probably be counted on one hand, that excludes the times I’ve stepped into a dominant role just to have some kind of outlet at all.

Most of my sex life is horny Telegram chats, looking at gear in the basement, or on store sites, and imagining what I might do in it someday.

Lately, though, when I look at all that gear, I mostly think about the version of me that bought it when I was still hopeful. Hopeful that there would be people who actually wanted to play with me, make plans, follow through, and put some of this stuff to use.

Now part of me just wants to throw it all away.

Not because I stopped liking kink. Quite the opposite. I miss having kink in my actual life.

I have plenty of kinky friends. I’m surrounded by people I care about and people who care about me. Socially, I’m not lacking much.

Sexually and kink-wise, I am.

A lot of people are happy to talk. Years of horny chats, fantasies, plans, and “we should definitely do that sometime” can apparently exist without ever turning into anything real. I’ve pulled back from even trying as much. I deactivated Recon because it started to feel pointless.

I even paid for flights for a guy to meet me in Chicago after years of sexual conversations, only to be told he wasn’t bringing any gear or toys because he wasn’t actually interested in me sexually. He just wanted a tour guide or a free vacation.

That kind of thing gets old.

Living just far enough outside Chicago does not help either. I’m close enough to have a large kink community around me, but apparently far enough away that very few people want to make the trip for anything.

I’m not looking for some nonstop fantasy life.

A few times (or even once) a month would be enough. Put on gear with somebody. Have some light play. Grab a drink in gear or make dinner for them and lick some boots.

Something real. Tangible fun with someone I like and who likes me for me. Not because of my social media, or the gear I have, or that I can fly them out.

I’m still perfectly happy to have horny chats. I just don’t want my entire kink life to exist inside them.